Sunday, July 04, 2010

We're All Gonna Die Someday

That title wouldn't typically be associated with optimism. Bear with me here. Lately I have had a number of reminders of my mortality, all in the span of about two months. It has been a bit overwhelming and has forced me to consider how I am living, and what is important to me. The time I have left is shorter than the time I have traveled. The 'how would you live your life if you knew you only had a short amount of time left' theory is popular in movies and books, and even something easy to say you are going to do. It is hard to live though. It is really easy to allow fear to lead you to settle for the known, for something comfortable, something good enough. Fear can make you run, but fear can also make you stand still. I spent 2009 standing still. I was so afraid I would never find what I want, so afraid I had made mistakes, so afraid I would settle, I was too afraid to even try.

I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying with regrets for the things I didn't do, I am afraid of settling for 'good enough'. I don't want to look back in regret on the time I had, and wonder if i wasted it. A tolerable life is not enough. I've thrown my world into total upheaval to find more than that. I want bliss, I want joy, I want growth and new experiences and exploration. I want to see the world, I want to experience all life has to offer. That is going to take time and is almost certainly be a hard road and I can't do it if I am too afraid to go outside and expose myself to it. If I don't get on the road, I'll NEVER get to where I want to go. And where I want to go will be worth it. And that is why I am optimistic. Don't get me wrong, I destabilize a bit every time I get a visceral reminder of the fact that time is moving quickly and there is still a lot left that I want to do with my life. I'm scared I won't get there. But I look with a new respect at what I have, the happiness I have, and find opportunities to experience new things every day. And I owe it to myself to continue actively living my life as best I can to achieve my dreams.

I'm going to get there. And if there is some unforseen tragic accident in which I die tomorrow, it will be knowing that I lived as fully as I could to achieve my dreams.


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